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God Is My State Trooper


Jerome Doolittle

“The Bush administration unveiled a new workplace safety policy today that calls for no mandatory steps by industry and instead relies on voluntary actions by companies to reduce injuries from repetitive motions on the job.”

New York Times, April 6

The Bush administration unveiled a new highway safety policy today that calls for no mandatory steps by police and instead relies on voluntary actions by drivers to reduce injuries on the road.

“Government has no business being America’s back seat driver,” said A.N. Rand, deputy White House director for sound bites.

Instead, speed limits on interstate highways are to be phased out over a ten-day period, Ms. Rand said, in hopes that states will see fit to follow suit.

“Each individual state will of course be free to retain speed limits if it chooses,” she added, “although those which refuse to knuckle under will of course lose Federal highway funding. Uncle Sam should not be an enabler of highway fatalities.”

This was a reference to last week’s report by the National Commission on Freedom of the Road, which found that speed limits are at best an ineffective way to combat traffic deaths.

“Every single one of last year’s 42,000 highway fatalities occurred on roads with speed limits,” said Raymond Ignoto, commission chairman and president of the American Association of Body Shops.

“The only continent with zero highway fatalities last year was Antarctica,” Mr. Ignoto added. “Which also just happens to be the only continent without any speed limits. Coincidence? I don’t think so.”

At his press briefing today, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer announced the formation of a Highway Security Office reporting directly to the president.

“The president regards this as a faith-based initiative,” Mr. Fleischer. “He has faith in the American driver, as he does in all Americans of whatever race, color, or creed. Or country of national origin, with some obvious exceptions.”

Mr. Bush’s choice as the first Reverend General of Highway Security will be Billy Bob McAllister, currently chaplain for the Texas Highway Patrol.

“You’ve heard of police aircraft,” Reverend General Billy Bob said. “Well, we’ve got us a brand new trooper up there. From now on the Lord God is going to be our Eye in the Sky.”

The new reverend general hastened to explain, however, that this did not mean an end to state troopers, or even to the tickets they have been known to hand out.

“Our boys will still come down on you hard,” he said. “Anybody that their blood alcohol percentage and their body weight combined adds up to maybe 400, something like that, we haven’t come up with an exact figure yet, why that individual can expect to face a brutal tongue-lashing from our law enforcement personnel and possibly even a warning ticket. Sealed by court order, of course. Our job is to enforce the law, not embarrass people who make an innocent little mistake.”

Emphasis is also to be placed, the new highway safety czar said, on random roadside inspections of small vehicles as well as body cavity searches of their drivers.

The Freedom of the Road Commission’s report singled out such vehicles as a major cause of highway fatalities when they are crushed by larger, more patriotic vehicles.

This combination of new approaches to traffic safety, White House sources explained, is expected to allow more efficient allocation of scarce police resources to serious quality-of-life-threatening offenses.

Among these will be failure to wear or fly the flag 24/7, any references to butterfly ballots or other expressions of lèse majesté, assisting in the suicide of a terminally ill person, driving while single, and operation of a motor vehicle lacking a valid bumper sticker that says, “God Wrote It In The Bible, I Believe It, And That’s All There Is To It!”

April, 2002


Copyright © 2004 by Jerome Doolittle