Trump is in the Oval Office talking to Bill OíReilly on speakerphone. Ivanka is seated in front of his desk, totally engrossed in texting and not paying a bit of attention to their conversation. Bill is facing multiple sexual harassment suits and advertisers are leaving his show in droves. He sounds tipsy. Trump has just ordered airstrikes on Syria, but Billís problems are more interesting.
Trump: I gotta be honest with you, Bill. I would have moved in on her like a bitch too. I gotta be honest. Weíre grown men here, amirite? You didnít do anything wrong, Bill. Itís political correctness. Itís nothing but political correctness run amok. Itís fake news.
OíReilly: Itís like I always say, Donny, if you donít like where you work, get another job. It ainít rocket surgery. Go to human resources. Go to a different department. Get another job.
Trump: Itís outrageous, Bill, it really is.
OíReilly: I got no problem with women in the work place. Iím an equal rights kinda guy. Itís just that this affirmative action has them all believing theyíre entitled to any job they want, even if they canít hack it.
Trump: I agree with you a hundred percent, Bill, a hundred percent. Itís political correctness run amok. Itís ruining our country, it really is. I mean that, Bill, I really do. Itís absolutely ruining our country.
OíReilly is starting to slur his words. As his drunkenness increases, he affects an exaggerated working-class New York accent, as he often does when browbeating elitist liberals on his show. Youíd almost think he was a longshoreman from Brooklyn and not what he actually is, a guy from a comfortable, lily-white suburb on Long Island who attended private school.
OíReilly: All guys, awwwl guys get a little ribbing in their rookie year, am I right, Donny? Thatís all it was. Just a little harmless ribbing. Whatís a little slap and tickle among friends? Itís no different than guys snappiní towels at each other in the locker room. They been doin’ it since Rowman times. Itís like a, uh, whaddya call it Ö a rite of passage. If women canít handle that, maybe they donít belong in the work place.
Trump: I know exactly what youíre saying, Bill, why do you think I keep Melania in New York?
OíReilly, now thoroughly inebriated: And now you got the politically correct crowd scaring my advertisers away, effecting my ability to make a living. You donít mess with a manís livelihood. It ainít right! [Yells] It ainít right!
Trump: I gotta say it again, Bill, I agree a hundred percent. This is amazing, because I normally donít agree a hundred percent with people because I think itís good to disagree. I mean, you gotta disagree sometime because nobodyís right one hundred percent of the time, not even me. Well, almost me, but not always, but I gotta be honest, I agree with you a hundred percent.
OíReilly [sobbing]: I never should have left Inside Edition. Not even Access Hollywood will return my calls now. Whereís my Ö falafel thing. I need my Ö loofah thingÖ
Trump: Bill, I gotta run. I got this general on the line. You wouldnít believe all the generals who call me these days, and not just any generals, not just average generals but the big guys, the biggest guys, best in the profession, tons of medals all over. Did you all know all those colored things they wear on their chest stand for different stuff theyíve done? And here I thought they just bought them all in big pieces and just slapped Ďem on their uniforms, you know, to look good. Itís unbelievable what you learn on this job.
OíReilly: This used to be a manís world, Donny.
Trump: Why donít you come down to Mar-a-Lago next week? Roger Stone can ship us up some virgins from the Dominican Republican. Youíre gonna love these girls, Bill, believe me, theyíll do anything, anything. And since you’re a celebrity you can get away with it. You’ll be like the biggest thing since they discovered bananas down there, Bill.
Ivanka, jumping up excitedly, holding up here iPhone: Look, Daddy, thereís a liposuction clinic in China named after me! And Chinese girls are getting plastic surgery to look just like me!
Trump: Of course they are, sweetheart, youíre beautiful. If you werenít my daughter Iíd have moved in on you by the time you were thirteen.
Ivanka: Thatís so sweet, Daddy.
Trump, back on the phone: Yeah, general, talk to me. How big? I told you I wanted big explosions, really big, bigger than any Obama ever made. The biggest explosions ever. Keep doiní it and get back to me.
Suddenly, Jared Kushner and Steve Bannon come barging into the Oval Office, jabbing their fingers and screaming at each other.
Kushner: Big Daddy, he called me a cuck!
Bannon: Did not. I called you a globalist.
Kushner: Joe Scarborough said cuck. I should know, We text each other every day.
Ivanka: Whatís a ďcuckĒ?
Kushner: I donít know, but itís something bad. I think they called my other daddy that when he was in jail.
Trump: Steve, can you step away from the TV? Itís gonna be on in a minute. I ordered the military to bomb whatchamacallit.
Bannon: Yemen? Somalia?
Trump: No, no, the other place. The place where Jesus wrote the Bible. Sand. Lotsa sand there. Anyway, weíre sending big beautiful missiles there. Itís gonna be tremendous. Youíve never seen explosions like this before, believe me. They were using weapons with poison in them, did you know that? What do you call those again?
Kushner: Chemical weapons.
Trump: Yeah, chemical weapons. Awful stuff. Where did these things come from? I never heard of them before. Itís amazing what you learn on this job.
Ivanka: I think the Germans invented them in, like, World War II or something.
Bannon: Thatís a lie!
Ivanka: Jared, honey, you look pale.
Kushner: I’m sorry, Luv Muffin. It’s all this fighting. It makes me all nervous and fatiguey. I prefer to screw people over in the dark behind their back and not, like, argue to their face and stuff.
Ivanka: Why donít you evict some of your poor tenants in Manhattan? That always cheers you up.
Bannon: Mr. President, you canít be serious. Bombing Syria will jeopardize relations with Russia. It will weaken Assad. It will strengthen ISIS. Sir, this will ruin our whole agenda.
Trump: Thereís a new agenda now, Steve. Saturday Night Live kept calling me your puppet, I canít have that. It made me look weak. Jaredís in charge now. Did you see that? That explosion wasnít big enough. Those are pussy explosions!
A secret service agent enters the Oval Office carrying a box. Trump is delighted.
Trump: Lookit lookit! [He pulls out a little picture in a frame] Itís me with Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson at a fund raiser back in the eighties. Isnít that nice? They even signed it. Well, itís six thirty. Time for Tweeting and bed. Jared, call the Pentagon and tell them bigger explosions. Goodnight.
Ivanka and Kushner: Goodnight, Big Daddy!