September 29, 2014
Canned Hunts? Tattooed Lips?

Each day brings new wonders in my search for the perfect asshole. I had heard neither of canned hunts nor of a specimen named Ted Nugent. Now that I have, my lack of faith in the human race is powerfully reinforced:

In most canned hunts tame or semi-tame game species, reared in captivity, are placed in enclosures of varying sizes, and the gate is opened for the client, who has been issued a guarantee of success. Canned hunts are great for folks on tight schedules or who lack energy or outdoor skills. Microchip transponder implants for game not immediately visible are available for the proprietor whose clients are on really tight schedules. And because trophies are plied with drugs, minerals, vitamins, specially processed feeds, and sometimes growth hormones, they are way bigger than anything available in the wild. Often the animals have names, and you pay in advance for the one you’d like to kill, selecting your trophy from a photo or directly from its cage. For example, Rachel, Bathsheba, Paul, John, and Matthew were pet African lions that would stroll over and lick their keepers’ hands before they were shot in Texas…

“If we don’t protect our image, we may not have a heritage,” says the Colorado Wildlife Federation’s treasurer and board member, Kent Ingram, a leader in the recent well-fought but failed battle to ban canned hunts in the state. He reports that he was informed by a Denver taxidermist that half the elk coming in to be mounted had tattooed lips, which identify captives. Ingram also said he had reliable information that one canned-hunt customer had flown into Colorado and paid $40,000 to kill a Minnesota-raised bull that had been trucked in for the one-day shoot.



Posted by Jerome Doolittle at September 29, 2014 05:36 PM
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The best canned kills are humans. Don't know how much they cost, but the supply is granted. They are called collateral damage.

Posted by: Peter on September 30, 2014 12:45 PM

Not that we need another reason to detest the man, but Dick Cheney enjoys canned hunts as well.'s_sadistic_passion_for_shooting_tame_animals

Posted by: ohollern on September 30, 2014 2:16 PM

The Alternet article about Dick Cheney, referred to by chollern says in part,

"Some hunters say shooting the pellet-ready tame animals, which offer no resistance, is like having sex with a blow-up doll."

I thought Dick was already having sex with a blow-up doll. What is this, polygamy?

Yours very crankily,
The New York Crank

Posted by: New York Crank on September 30, 2014 2:41 PM
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