December 16, 2012
A Modest Proposal

Clearly the problem is not children being massacred. The problem is that we are shocked by children being massacred. Well, thatís easily solved. We simply need to regularly massacre children.

I suggest we start with a weekly massacre. In fact, we can make it a reality show: American Massacre. Each week, five classrooms will be selected at random. Weíll spend a certain amount of time getting to know the students and the teachers. At the end of the show, viewers can text their vote as to which classroom should be wasted. And then either Steven Tyler or Paula Abdul can go in there with a Bushmaster 223.

Once the ratings come in, we can go to twice a week. For sweeps, we can have a drone strike on the entire school. Hey, if itís good enough for Pakistani kids, itís sure as hell good enough for our kids, dammit!

And in twenty years, we'll have solved our unemployment problems as well.

Really, I donít see a downside here.


Posted by Kurt Weldon at December 16, 2012 04:54 PM
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A satirist has to run pretty fast these days to stay ahead of reality-based reality (as opposed to TV-based). The WNRA network hasn't moved up to a weekly schedule yet, but it's getting there fast.

Posted by: Aitch Jay on December 17, 2012 11:39 AM

Children are being slaughtered daily. We just choose not to aggregate.

Posted by: lless on December 17, 2012 6:54 PM

I love this blog.

And you just reminded me why again.

Happy Holidays and many new year's reasons not to legislate gun ownership!

Posted by: Suzan on December 22, 2012 7:15 AM
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