August 31, 2012
Eat Dirt, Suckers

Dave Barry sums it all up:

The Republicans are fired up about their ticket after listening to three days of carefully themed speeches, which for your convenience I have condensed here into a single All-Purpose Republican Convention Speech:

“Good evening. I stand before you tonight as the lieutenant governor of a critical swing state as well as a member of a minority group and CEO of the nation’s third-largest manufacturer of curtain rods.

“Yes, I am living the American dream. But let me tell you about my childhood. My family was dirt poor. In fact we didn’t even have enough dirt to go around. We all had to share one small dirt clod. At bath time, you would smear the clod onto yourself and sit in the bathtub; then, when you were done, you would smear the clod onto the next family member. The dirt didn’t get washed away, because we also had no water. For that matter, we didn’t have a real bathtub. We had to sit in an imaginary bathtub. And not a fancy imaginary bathtub, either: It was a nasty old used imaginary bathtub.

‘But we did not complain. We did not ask the government for a handout. And do you know why? Because we also could not afford vocal cords.

“No, seriously, we did not complain because we believed in hard work. Everyone pitched in with the family business, even us kids. My father woke us up every morning before dawn and put us to work. It wasn’t easy: You try selling curtain rods door-to-door at 4:30 a.m. People would throw rocks at us. We collected these and ground them up to make dirt.


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Posted by Jerome Doolittle at August 31, 2012 10:05 AM
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... and we love women!

Posted by: ohollern on August 31, 2012 11:52 AM

Ask Clint Eastwood about the American Dream: For a Fistful of Dollars - For a Few Dollars More - The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Now, you got the choice. Clint was the Good One, Obama isn't really ugly, so ... shit, he must be the Bad One. Easy thought, easy done.

Posted by: Peter on August 31, 2012 12:49 PM

Oh those rods. You know what they say, spare the rod...

I wonder why they came out so spoiled.

Posted by: Buck on September 5, 2012 6:47 PM
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