Move along. Step lively. This way to the Worst Little Show on Earth! There’s still room for you in our damp and claustrophobic tent. Get ready! Get set! Prepare to be distracted, offended, annoyed, disgusted!
Look! It’s the Amazing Talking Head. No arms, no legs, no body! Just a mouth that never stops. It rants, it raves. It sneers, it smirks. It babbles, it badgers and it never, ever shuts up. Astonishing, daunting, frightening.
Gaze in wonder at the Bulimic Woman. She stuffs herself with food; she throws up; she stuffs herself with more food; she throws up. Gut-wrenching! Surprising! Phenomenal!
Gasp at the decrepitude of the Weak Man! He’s not strong; he’s feeble. Watch him fail to do a single chin-up. He cannot lift a Volkswagen on his back, much less an anvil with his tongue. Until he removes his wristwatch he can barely lift his arm. Incredible! Wondrous!
Here come the House Cats! Better than leaping through rings of fire, they will do… anything they want. They will rip up furniture, cough up hairballs, hide for days in closets, and mark pillows and cushions in a way that will make them forever unusable. Amazing! Astounding!
Meet the Stupefying Business Bores! Watch their paralyzing Power Point presentations about business models, return on investment, market trends, and other excruciating topics. Watch them tap out useless twaddle on laptop computers. What a spectacle! Electrifying!
Believe your eyes! Make way for the Pierced and Tattooed Teenagers! These girls and boys have implanted hardware in noses, navels, eyebrows, ears, tongues, and in every recess and on every protuberance of their stained, revolting bodies. Startling! Horrifying! Nauseating!
Marvel at the Incredible Shrinking Candidates! Watch middle-aged politicians rail at each other and grow smaller with each lie and distortion. Tiny men and women leap about and vie for your attention. Egomaniacs the size of mice! Amazing! Not to be believed!
Listen to the Dauntless Telemarketing Parrots! Exotic tropical birds repeat the same dinnertime sales messages over and over again. Insensible to insult or rudeness, no amount of cursing or threatened violence will discourage them. Disturbing! Mesmerizing!
Thrill to the antics of the Disobedient Dogs! Tell them to fetch, they will roll over. Tell them to stay, they will run away. Tell them to lie down, they will sit. Watch these intractable creatures ignore their master’s every command. Maddening! Frustrating! Extraordinary!
Gape at the Anorexic Woman! Watch in horrified fascination as her neurosis consumes her and she withers away before your very eyes. Chilling! Not to be believed!
Behold the astounding I-Heads! Actual human beings who have evolved into telephone/camera/computer thingamabobs! Watch them takes videos of each other as they talk to each other as they download uploads while getting driving directions to hotels and airports. Unbelievable! Mesmerizing!
Feel the wrath of the Road Warriors as overpowering road rage compels them to drive as if possessed. Experience the thrills of an automotive duel of death! Disturbing! Irresistible!
Meet Vitamin Man and the Jogger, the healthiest and least interesting man and woman in the world! Watch them consume countless vitamin tablets as they run in place for hours and hours while debating the relative merits of vitamins C, D, and E. Invigorating! Informative! Stupefying.
Share the pitiable fate of the mail-order dieters! Eat food that tastes like the Wall Street Journal as you grow weaker and sicker with each nutritious delivery. Challenging! Inspiring!
Recoil in horror from the Spoiled Child Mutants! Whining, hopelessly pampered children run roughshod over their feckless, indulgent parents. Watch in amazement as small children turn into monsters of sociopathic selfishness. Thrilling! Incredible! Sickening!
And there is more, much more at the Sideshow for Today and Tomorrow. It’s all awaiting you under the not-so-big tent! Hurry, folks! Hurry! The show’s about to start!