March 22, 2012
Mitt Romney — Socialist!

Willard Romney, eBay’s current top bidder for the GOP presidential nomination, is the proud owner of no less than six homes.

Romney’s personal real estate includes six homes: one in La Jolla, two in the Boston area, a ski lodge in Utah and two lakeside residences in New Hampshire.

No word on whether any of those homes have a dog strapped to the roof.

Here are some assumptions that I think it is safe to make from the above list:

1) Willard’s houses will all abut nicely paved roads. After all, he wouldn’t want to risk gravel dings on any of his wife’s Cadillacs. Who paved those roads? That’d be “the government.” Who paid for that roadwork? That’d be “the taxpayers.”

2) Willard’s houses will all be hooked up to a sewer line. Said line will feed into a municipal system and ultimately a treatment plant. Who runs those? That’d be “the government.”

3) Willard undoubtedly sits placidly in each of his six houses, untroubled by the prospect that any of them are likely to collapse about his head. How can he do this? Because those houses will have been built to code. Whence cometh this code? That’d be “the government.” This same code also means that our Willard doesn’t have to spend any of his valuable time worrying that faulty electrical wiring will reduce his home to a pile of ashes. (Of course, if he turns out to be wrong about that, the help will promptly call the socialist Fire Department.)

4) I know nothing of the geography of Boston. But it’s safe to say that Willard’s two houses in Boston will be in the nicest parts of town. What makes them so nice? One thing would be well-maintained roads, which we’ve already covered. Another would be a solid police presence, in the form of either regular patrols or prompter response times should there be trouble. Government and taxes at work, once again.

5) La Jolla I’m more familiar with. Let’s say that Willard’s home there has a lovely ocean view. What makes that ocean view so lovely? One of those things would be government protection of coastal areas. And I’d be willing to bet there are some very nifty zoning laws that help to keep the ocean view unobstructed.

6) We can make similar assumptions about the lakeside residences in New Hampshire. Willard simply would not live next to a lake that was a fetid pool of waste and pollution. What keeps those waterways so pristine? One way or another, that will be overseen by that terrible horrible no-good very bad government.

The evidence is clear — Mitt Romney is a lousy stinking socialist! You don’t hear him denouncing any of these benefits he receives from the Government, do you? Nope. Not a peep. That means he must approve of them.

That, of course, is always how it is: It’s only “socialism” when it benefits someone else. (Especially if that someone else’s skin tone is darker than beige.)

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Posted by Kurt Weldon at March 22, 2012 11:36 AM
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Was thinking about that this morning. Thing in the news with Ron Paul saying he won't accept a security detail "because it's welfare". Well, says J., if the govt providing a thing is welfare, then the military is welfare, roads are welfare, the police are welfare, everything is welfare.

A few minutes later our publicly provided running water cut out. They were switching over a pipe or something at the street outside. In about five minutes we had failed to wash our hands properly from eggwhite, cat food and grapefruit juice. Then the water came back on. We washed our hands. Welfare queens that we are.

Posted by: Martha Bridegam on March 22, 2012 4:50 PM

I've always wondered how someone can get along with less than ten homes. I guess you just have to decide to cut down on things. There probably is a twelve step program. Still: absolutely admirable!

Posted by: Peter on March 23, 2012 5:14 AM

OK except that thing about roads in Boston

Posted by: Eli Rabett on March 23, 2012 7:11 AM
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