August 01, 2011
The Bible Tells Us…

…how to figure out which harlot would just as soon see the baby drowned in the bathtub. Once King Solomon determined that, he returned the baby to its mother. Once our solons made the same determination, they decided to leave the kid with the kidnapper.

There’s a upside, though. The harlot who actually gives a shit about the baby will be granted visitation rights. Details yet to be worked out, but the best guess at the moment is from five to seven p.m. on the first and third Tuesdays of the month. Supervised visits, of course, so she won’t smuggle in food stamps or Medicaid.

Then came there two women, that were harlots, unto the king, and stood before him. And the one woman said, O my lord, I and this woman dwell in one house; and I was delivered of a child with her in the house. And it came to pass the third day after that I was delivered, that this woman was delivered also: and we were together; there was no stranger with us in the house, save we two in the house.

And this woman's child died in the night; because she overlaid it. And she arose at midnight, and took my son from beside me, while thine handmaid slept, and laid it in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom. And when I rose in the morning to give my child suck, behold, it was dead: but when I had considered it in the morning, behold, it was not my son, which I did bear.

And the other woman said, Nay; but the living is my son, and the dead is thy son. And this said, No; but the dead is thy son, and the living is my son. Thus they spake before the king.

Then said the king, The one saith, This is my son that liveth, and thy son is the dead: and the other saith, Nay; but thy son is the dead, and my son is the living. And the king said, Bring me a sword. And they brought a sword before the king. And the king said, Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.

Then spake the woman whose the living child was unto the king, for her bowels yearned upon her son, and she said, O my lord, give her the living child, and in no wise slay it. But the other said, Let it be neither mine nor thine, but divide it.

Then the king answered and said, Give her the living child, and in no wise slay it: she is the mother thereof.


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Posted by Jerome Doolittle at August 01, 2011 05:24 PM
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Comments

Solomon was a dick. Why didn't he just give the baby a DNA test?

Posted by: Special Ed on August 2, 2011 11:46 AM

You’re the dick. They didn’t even have DNA then.

Posted by: Aitch Jay on August 2, 2011 11:59 AM

Sure they did. All God’s chillun got DNA. Besides, anybody but a dick would know I was kidding.

Posted by: Special Ed on August 2, 2011 12:24 PM

I was too, dick.

Posted by: Aitch Jay on August 2, 2011 12:34 PM

Boys, boys. You're both dicks and so am I.

Posted by: Richard Nixon on August 2, 2011 2:27 PM
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