March 10, 2009
The Department of All Things

The new federal government is fast taking shape. Here’s a look at some of the new departments and agencies.

The Department of Unlimited Optimism

What’s the use of worrying?—that’s the idea behind this arm of the federal government. This department will be led by a cabinet-level official with a fanciful and deeply ignorant view of the world. Several prominent Republicans from the previous administration have been proposed for the job. One in particular seems especially well-qualified.

The Department of Perpetual Disorder

This is an attempt to recognize and perpetuate the traditions of recent presidencies. Nothing this department does makes much sense. He who forgets history is bound to repeat it, or some such foolishness, is the bugaboo against which this heroically chaotic agency struggles.

The Department of Yes We Can

Similar to the Optimism Department in outlook, this office, which is run by some of the goofiest veterans of the Obama campaign wars, will consider any and all government initiatives through technologically advanced rose-colored glasses. ‘Nothing is impossible if you throw enough money at it’ is the operating slogan.

The Department of No We Can’t

Lest the pie in the sky be too tempting to too many, this organization is designed to offset the reckless tendencies of its similarly named sister agency. It will oppose everything anybody in Washington wants to do.

The Central Hijinks Agency

Nothing this updated CIA does will be open to public scrutiny or any other kind of meddlesome interference. Nobody within this comically secretive organization will have the slightest idea what anyone else is doing or why they are doing it. Nobody in the agency will answer to anyone. Everything the agency attempts is expected to fail, just as in the old days, but nobody will know about it.

The Bureau of Republican Affairs

This much-needed agency will be responsible for keeping Republicans and other regressive types on their reservations, far from any hope of meddling with the elected officials who are actually trying to accomplish something.

The Gasbag Project

The former Federal Communications Commission, today known simply as Gassy Mae, will now devote itself exclusively to this undertaking. The idea behind the project is to find some way, possibly including all-out violence, to silence the TV and radio talking heads whose incessant yammering clogs the airwaves and threatens our sanity. Most of these so-called pundits are ignorant fascist thugs who have grown too fat to get into brown shirts and jackboots. Nobody believes Gassy Mae is up to the job, but it should distract the commission from its usual business of pandering to the media conglomerates.

The Department of Bad Choices

Designed to assist the Treasury Department in throwing money away, this agency will be responsible for identifying those financial companies that are the most arrogant and badly run and therefore most in need of federal financial assistance. Airline and car companies will also be considered.

The Department of Retribution

Despite its permanent-sounding name, this enterprise is really an ad hoc operation whose only purpose is to make Dick Cheney’s already miserable life even more so. So many qualified people have applied for the job of running this department that the nomination has been set back indefinitely. So far more than a million candidates have submitted their résumés.

The Abu Ghraib Commemorative Commission

Carried over from the Bush Administration, this body was assembled to find a fitting tribute to the heroes of the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq who successfully demonstrated that human decency has no place in the war on terror. The commission is expected to continue its dithering and hand-wringing well into the future.

The Department of All Things

This could turn out to be the granddaddy of all federal government departments. If it ever gets its very large ace off the ground, this baby will show the world what a real bureaucracy is all about. Once the bugs are worked out, you’ll be able to call All Things and arrange to have your boss forced out in your favor, or a hated neighbor’s house bombed, or your children’s teachers disciplined. Doctor kept you waiting? Have the sucker’s license revoked. Covet that big house on the corner? Have the owner dispossessed. Can’t sleep the way you used to? Want new friends? Fed up with the way of the world? Call the Department of All Things and make it right. Your government is here to serve you.


Posted by Paul Duffy at March 10, 2009 03:49 AM
Email this entry to:

Your email address:

Message (optional):


I like it. Wish I could dream up things like that.
Hooray for the internet.

Enjoy your blog. Haven't ever given you an "attaboy"

Thank you.

Posted by: self exile on March 10, 2009 9:54 AM
Post a comment

Email Address:



Remember info?