From lovely South Carolina, the home of the almost defunct Christian Coalition, and as we once mentioned, what we suspect might be the home of the Great Mother of all the Mullahs, comes word from The Barbecue and Politics Blog that a great peril exists in the land. Yes, this time it’s not the Communists, it’s the evil liberals, bent on destroying the soul and fabric of children everywhere. Thus a book to educate our little ones, appropriately titled by the Mullah Mothers of South Carolina as “Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!”

In response to this great crisis, we heark back to the days of the truly evil liberal endtimes, the 1960’s, and recreate the voice of one of the most famous evil liberals, Bob Dylan, who now enjoys comfortable commercial success due to what many consider the greatest coffee house of all time, Starbucks. Apologies to all you Italians!

We therefore offer up a more current version of one of his classics, The Talkin’ John Birch Paranoid Blues, this time recreated here as ”The Talkin’ Evil Liberal Under the Bed Paranoid Magnolia Blues”

Well, I was feelin’ sad and feelin’ blue,
I didn’t know what in the world I was gonna do,
Them Liberals they wus comin’ around,
They wus in the air,
They wus on the ground.
They wouldn’t gimme no peace. . .

So I run down most hurriedly
And joined my local Republican Party,
I got me a membership card
And started off a-walkin’ down the road.
Yee-hoo, I'm a real Kool Aid Republican now!
Look out you Liberals!

Now we all agree with Jesus’ view,
He never said nothing bad about gay people too.
Gosh darn it, that must mean he was a liberal,
Great God!
Why didn’t he read Leviticus?

Well, I wus lookin’ everywhere for them gol-darned Libs.
I got up in the mornin’ ’n’ looked under my bed,
Looked in the sink, behind the door,
Looked in the glove compartment of my car.
Couldn’t find ’em doing me no wrong. . .

I wus lookin’ high an’ low for them Libs everywhere,
I wus lookin’ in the sink an’ underneath the chair.
I looked way up my chimney hole,
I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl.
They got away . . .

Well, I wus sittin’ home alone an’ started to sweat,
Figured they wus in my TV set (Jerry Falwell says they’re there).
Peeked behind the picture frame,
Got a shock from my feet, hittin’ right up in the brain.
Them Libs caused it!
I know they did . . . them hard-core ones.

Well, I quit my job so I could work alone,
Then I changed my name to Sherlock Holmes.
Followed some clues from my detective bag
And discovered they wus blue stripes on the American flag!
That ol’ Betty Ross, she must have been a Northern Liberal.

Well, I investigated all the books in the library,
Ninety percent of ’em gotta be burned away.
I investigated all the people that I knowed,
Sixty-Eight percent of them gotta go.
The other few percent are fellow Republicans . . . just like me.

Now Clinton, he’s a Chinese spy,
Lincoln, Jefferson and that Roosevelt guy.
To my knowledge there’s just two men,
That’s really are true Americans: Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.
I know for a fact they hate liberals cause they spoke out against Brokeback Mountain.

Well, I fin’ly started thinkin’ straight
When I run outa things to investigate.
Couldn't imagine doin’ anything else,
So now I'm sittin’ home investigatin’ myself!
Hope I don't find out anything . . . hmm, great God!
Maybe that damn George Bush started this whole bunch of crap.

How about yall don’t tell Mrs. Batard about this. She might get upset that there’s a liberal right there in her bed.

And oh yeah, yall slide on over to Amazon and give that book a one-star review.