December 07, 2005
An Immodest Proposal

Kirk Caraway of the Nevada Appeal has an appealing idea.

Bush and Cheney claim that we don’t torture. On the other hand, everyone agrees that we do water-board.

“The prisoner is bound to an inclined board, feet raised and head slightly below the feet. Cellophane is wrapped over the prisoner’s face and water is poured over him.

Unavoidably, the gag reflex kicks in and a terrifying fear of drowning leads to almost instant pleas to bring the treatment to a halt.”

According to ABC, CIA officers tried the technique on themselves as a test. They lasted, on average fourteen seconds. Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the Al Qaeda prisoner, kicked their asses: he made it for two and a half minutes.

So, leaving aside the vastly superior toughness of Al Qaeda folks as opposed to CIA people, Caraway suggests that, given the speed with which confessions are extracted, and the fact that this isn’t torture, we could use the method to question Karl Rove about the Plame leak. And to ask Cheney whether he lied to get the war started.

Just for fun, we could strap Bill Clinton to the water board and find out a whole lot on what happened during his term in the White House. That’s one interrogation people would pay big money to see on pay-per-view.

Think of all the situations this could be used for. Hook up Tom DeLay, see if he really did break Texas campaign laws. Get the Halliburton executives in there and ask what happened to all our money. Stick O.J. Simpson on the water board and find out if he killed his ex-wife.

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Posted by Chuck Dupree at December 07, 2005 02:36 AM
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You're not backhandedly accepting the fiction that torture extracts truth, are you?

Posted by: Martha Bridegam on December 7, 2005 3:47 AM

No, and neither is Caraway. If you read his article, it’s clearly satire.

Posted by: Chuck Dupree (Belisarius) on December 7, 2005 3:52 AM

With Delay, this should be done in open court. The ratings on Court Tv would soar.

Posted by: tstreet on December 7, 2005 10:01 AM

Well, use a waterboard on Karl Rove and Dick Cheney if you want. Might as well throw in Scooter, too. But if I had MY druthers, I'd just as soon stick with the 70 amp Diehard and the 8 gauge jumper cables. Sure water boarding is all the rage, but the water splashes all over the place, someone could slip and fall, the torturee's clothes get all soaked, there's mildew problems and you have to clean up with Tilex - with the Diehard you just clamp those jumpers on and give 'em the juice.

Posted by: robert lewis on December 7, 2005 10:02 AM

Welcome to Salem, Mr. Rove. If you drown to death, you are obviously innocent and will have your rightful place with god. If you survive, you're obviously using the power of the devil to keep yourself alive and will be burnt at the stake.

Posted by: on December 7, 2005 7:59 PM
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