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A Modest Outreach Proposal
For the New Attorney General ...

Operating with a mandate from a clear minority of the electorate, John Ashcroft is beginning to staff the Justice Department with compassionate conservatives similar to himself.

The job will not be easy. The devil’s agents in the Senate will pick and pull at anyone General Ashcroft names, just as they picked and pulled at the man himself during his confirmation hearings. The going will be particularly hard for the candidate he chooses to head the Civil Rights Division.

Mr. Ashcroft’s best bet for overcoming this is to select a lawyer who is supremely well qualified for the post, as measured by how deeply the nominee loathes himself for belonging to the minority group into which he was born. (I know, I know. But Clarence Thomas already has a job.)

The former Missouri senator knows the drill already. He used an ingenious reversal of the Thomas Principle when he lobbied to block Ronnie White’s appointment to the federal bench in 1998. Sen. Ashcroft failed to mention his more moderate colleagues that they would be voting against an Afro-American. They heard the words “Judge White,” they never laid eyes on the man, and what was the subliminal message?

But familiarity with the Thomas Principle is only the first step. To apply it, General Ashcroft needs to come up with the ideal minority candidate for the Civil Rights Division.

Matthew J. Glavin has recently become that man.

As head of the Southeastern Legal Foundation in Atlanta, Mr. Glavin was a leader in the fight to have President Clinton disbarred in Arkansas. Mr. Glavin sued the city of Atlanta to end affirmative actions, quotas, and set-asides. Mr. Glavin battled in court to keep the Census Bureau from using sampling data to reapportion House seats, a cheap political trick that would have given poor black, brown and white people voting clout in proportion to their numbers.

In all respects, then, Mr. Glavin would seem to be a cinch to win Senate approval for the job of driving the Civil Rights Division over the nearest cliff. All respects but one, that is. Unhappily, Mr. Glavin is melanin-challenged.

But last spring he inadvertently won minority status for himself by masturbating in front of an undercover park ranger in the Chattahoochee National River Park.

This icebreaker led to a friendly chat, in the course of which Mr. Glavin groped the ranger, following which the ranger arrested him, whereupon Mr. Glavin denied everything, after which he nevertheless pled guilty, all of which ended up before a federal magistrate, Judge C. Christopher Hagey, who in December sentenced Mr. Glavin to a year’s probation for public indecency, a misdemeanor.

This forced him to resign from the Southeastern Legal Foundation, but not, we may hope, from the battle to protect the white man from his oppressors.

What better man than Mr. Glavin to ignore the tiresome clamor of gays? Not to mention African-Americans, the disabled, Native Americans, Hispanics, women, and rest of the rainbow rabble that so incessantly whines for attention at the Justice Department.

And what better man to blunt those unfair charges that Senator Ashcroft opposed James Hormel’s ambassadorial nomination just because the poor fellow was openly homosexual?

“Not at all,” General Ashcroft could reassure Log Cabin Republicans. “In fact, some of my best friends are queer.”

February, 2001


Copyright © 2004 by Jerome Doolittle